As you know, at the beginning of the month, I started my new job.
For the past four weeks, I have been spending 4 days a week at a maximum of 30 hours, at my new workplace. 30 hours is by no means a lot and I am still classed as Part-Time, but the fact I am no longer at home every single day is a massive change for me.
I knew that I would need time to adjust. It was obvious I wasn't going to just turn up on my first day at work, fit right in and not miss my daughter.
Because I do, massively. My work place is literally 2 minutes away, so I could easily go home on my lunch break, but I decide not to. This is because I don't want to have to say goodbye to her twice in one day. She comes to the front door and waves me off. Every time I get a few footsteps away, she shouts me back with demands of another kiss or a hug. And then it breaks my heart as I have to walk away and leave her standing in the doorway.
Princess is staying at home with her Daddy, so I know she is fine. She is looked after and she is loved, more so than any other person I could leave her with. I just miss being the one that stays with her. That closes the door and asks "what shall we do today?" It's selfish of me because I've already had a whole 2 years alone with Princess. It's finally Ross's turn to see it from the other side - and trust me, he see's it!
I still do lots of things with Princess. When I get home from work we play games, mainly 'Pop goes the weasel' and she shows me what she's done that day. I still bathe her and put her to bed, so I'm not really missing out on much, just everything in between. I'm missing her little quirks and her funny little games.
I'm missing that little bond we used to share.
I think my main difficulty adjusting, is having to tell her off. I don't like doing it at the best of times, but after I haven't seen her all day, I really don't like it. I want to come home and see her happy, have a few cuddles and stories before I put her to bed.
Instead, she seems to take on a whole new personality who just wants to whinge and cry at me. There's usually no reason for it, and even when I sit down and try to talk to her and ask her what's wrong or what she wants, she changes her mind that often that I'm not even sure she really knows. I absolutely hate telling her off, especially when it's for behaviour that's really out of character for her.
After a few days at work, of only seeing her for a few hours a day, the last thing I want to do is punish her, but it seems like all I'm doing recently.
It's probably just a phase and I realise we both need to adjust to the new changes in our lives.
It doesn't make it any less difficult.